Week LXV (398): Animal Magnetism


She can roll sushi pudding on the model and make her instant art.

Alas, she leeks. The answered prayer? The Colon Belt System!

Bush sensation: play green, strike China, say doh, like Homer.

NESTLE DOG INSTANT COLON STICKY ALAS ALIAS THE ANSWERED PRAYER DOH AN BIG WIZARD PLANET ROLL HE DOODLE PULCHRITUDE FESTER MODEL SACK POULTICE LEEKS SHE SAY MONSTER SLAMMING SINISTER DIE MAKE NIGHTIE HAND FAHRVERGNUGEN  

CUTICLE CUCUMBER GENUFLECT LATHER SPORE SOFT STRIKE CLOWNS RUN BASELESS STARS SYSTEM MAGIC AGITATE COG RECOUNT CHINA GREEN BUSH PLAY TREE AND IF EAT BLAND PRINCESS WEEP IN BLACK PUDDING SETTLE SPAN IS SENSATION HOT HOMER

INCESSANT POUND STYLE SPIN EVERY SUSHI ONE ON IT ENDING HEAVY ASTEROID BELT CAN NOT IMITATE ART STOP I EXACTLY LIKE INFINITY REPEAT

This week's contest will test the ability to make great literature and/or a significant expression of the human condition out of randomly selected words, of the kind that appear on some of your more pretentious refrigerator doors. Use whatever punctuation you chose and any of the words that appear above -- but only those words, and use them only once -- to create a memorable poem or pensée.

First-prize winner gets a blow-up version of that charming advertising character of yore, the California Raisin. It has no value whatsoever. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, April 30. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest is by Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa. He gets a T-shirt.

REPORT FROM WEEK LXI (394), in which we asked for a blurb recommending a book or movie that would actually discourage people from reading or seeing it.

[diam]Fourth runner-up: Finally, a sensible diet plan based upon eating less and exercising more! (Niels Hoven, Campertown, Australia)

[diam]Third runner-up: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon": Now in both Cantonese and Mandarin Surround Sound! (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia)

[diam]Second runner-up: Coming in 2002: "Oh! Calcutta: The Movie" -- with the original 1960s Broadway cast! (Ben F. Noviello, Fairfax)

[diam]First runner-up: "Curing Kleptomania" was just what I needed -- I couldn't put it down! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

[diam]And the winner of the happy-face throw rug:This movie is for everyone who knows in his heart that it's time to forgive the Nazis. (Christina Mach, Kirkland, Wash.)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

This film is so authentic that it'll transport you right back into middle school! (Mike Genz, La Plata)

If eyes are truly the windows to the soul, then this collection of photos of Jennifer Lopez's lovely face are the most compelling portraits of this singer-actress to be published. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)

Start reading this thriller on the Metro and you'll soon find a crowd of other riders breathing down your neck, following along! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

To most, Ben Stein is not only humorless, he's uninteresting. But if you listen carefully between the lines of this illuminating three-hour monologue, you may find him uniquely witty. In an ironic way. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

"Harry Potter and the Ecstasy Potion": It's Year 5 at Hogwarts, and Harry, Hermione and Ron are surprised to discover some mysterious new urges! Buy it for the little wizard on your Christmas list! (John Muehl, Springfield)

"Hamlet," thy name is Pauly Shore! (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

"Patently Absurd" -- Follow the exploits of five first-year patent lawyers as they file legal briefs for clients who invent or discover new and useful processes, machines, manufactures, or compositions of matter, or any new and useful improvement thereof. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

Enjoy the exotic flavors of fungi while minimizing the chances of becoming one of the 16,000 people who die each year from incorrect identifications, or the thousands more who go blind or suffer permanent impotence! (Arthur Litoff, Dillsburg, Pa.)

Another brilliant biography from the greatest ghostwriter of our time! (Ben Aronin, White Plains, N.Y.)

You'll be riveted by the central issue of "The Shipping News": whether a fat, dull 37-year-old can find happiness by moving to Newfoundland. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

Learn some great golfing tips from Eldrick Woods. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

"The Sixth Sense" has the greatest surprise in modern film history: when you realize that Bruce Willis is actually dead! (Cathy Fischman and Nivedita Ghosh, Morris Plains, N.J.)

"The Bonfire of the Vanities": See Tom Hanks as a thoroughly dislikable nouveau riche yuppie scum! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

This intelligent docudrama on the Clinton presidency focuses on policy and does not cheapen itself with tawdry references to the president's personal life. (Philip Winnick, Bethesda)

Hey, you "gnarly" teeny-boppers out there, do you want to "moon walk" with the cool kids? Hip-hip-hooray for this super-groovy book, "How to Be Hip"! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Gilbert Gottfried and Sally Field have never heated up the screen like this! (Noah Meyerson, Washington)

"Listening to Pikachu" provides a unique and fascinating view of the Pokemon phenomenon. Here's your opportunity to sit in as a dozen 8-year-old boys discuss these darling animated creatures. (David Sherman, Arlington)

This book has the clearest explanation of Section 5, Subsection ii, Form 10W40 of the U.S. Tax Code ever found in a murder mystery! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

"Tora! Tora! Tora!" See this dramatization of Chapter 10 of the textbook "America in the Twentieth Century," 4th ed. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

"The best work from Lewinsky in several years." (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

"I of the Storm": One narcissist's long and painful journey back to mental health. From Vanity Press. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

This is the book to have if you're stranded on an island like Tom Hanks -- because it's even more fun than knocking out your rotted tooth with the blade of an ice skate. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

If you get nostalgic for biscuits in lumpy cream gravy, corn bread cooked in bacon grease, and green beans cooked for four hours with a hunk of lard, then you'll want to pass the Southern Hearts Cookbook down to your children and grandchildren! (Judith E. Cottrill, New York)

Follow this step-by-step, 72-day plan and rid yourself of hemorrhoids forever! (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.)

"Memento": This like is film entire the. (Andy Lees, Minneapolis)

[diam]The Uncle's Pick: First-prize winner receives a framed 11-by-17 photo of the late Victor Borge caught picking his nose backstage. (Bob Leitelt, Ludington, Mich.)

The Uncle Explains: Indeed, perhaps this writer is letting certain people know that some of the prizes in this very contest are, shall we say, not much of an incentive?